Changing Family Dynamics This Holiday Season

I don’t know about you, but I have these fantasies about speaking to my family during the holidays about what REALLY excites me, what I have TRULY learned in the past year since the last family gathering. After all, I know I have changed my views, and ideas, and dreams about the world. And there’s a high probability that they have changed, too!

I think we tend to hold people in a box, or in a very static, non-changing way, and remember them for who we think they are and have always been. I know I am guilty of this. I think of my family members as I have always known them, and I predict, either consciously or subconsciously, how they will respond to me during our time together. Is this fair to them? I know I do it, even though I would like to say that I don’t. And I know they do it with me as well.

However, the truth is really EVERYONE HAS CHANGED, even if only by a small measure. So where do we make space for this new version of ourselves in these family holidays? How do we carve out the time and the opportunity to “meet each other in a fresh, new way?” How can we change the family dynamics and old patterns, so familiar and rigid at times in a family?

I know it is natural and “normal” to see one another in the light of what we best remember about that person. “Oh, Aunt Susan, I always loved it when you made those sugar cookies in your big, country kitchen when we were little,” or “Mom, you always say that when Jim starts to tell a joke…” We naturally revert back to “the good ole’ times,” and how things “used to be.” This brings us a sense of family, of common or shared experiences, and really, in effect, it binds us together once again as family. So one could say that this is all good. Fine.

However, this happens year after year after year. While I do like that feeling of bonding with my family, and the comfort of familiarity, and how “well” we know each other, I do come away from the holidays disappointed, uninspired, and frankly, bored with it all.

What is missing is the exciting and stimulating parts about our lives that we deep down inside really do want to share with our family, but we don’t know how. For example, I would love for them to ask: “What have you learned this past year about yourself and the world? What can you share with us about your new thoughts and dreams?” But, of course, they don’t ask these questions - not even close. And I have noticed I don’t ask these questions either! I want to, but the opportunity doesn’t present itself. We haven’t, as a family, made time or space for such inquiries!

So this holiday, I have decided to change all of this. If I want them to ask me, then I need to make the first bold step and ask these questions of them! I am truly interested in how they will respond to me when I ask! I CAN take that first step, and I can put myself out there. “Be the change you wish to see in the world…”

Now, if we all get so bold and step out of what is so familiar and “comfortable” (and boring!), we can create something new, exciting, wondrous, and most importantly, meaningful for our family holiday time! I think this year I will kick off this new sharing time by playing a game, since we like playing games.

It could start with a Round Robin of everyone writing down on a piece of paper at least one new thing that happened to them this year that we don’t already know about - something personal to them, and something they are excited about. We could put all the answers in a basket, and then have each person draw out somebody else’s answer, read it out loud, and we all have to guess whose story it is. The person who guesses the most correct answers wins. Simple as that! This would certainly spark new, creative conversations, a lot of laughs, and interesting ideas could be shared around the room. Often if we show our own vulnerability, it can empower others to feel safe and share their hearts, too!

In closing, I hope you can enjoy your family time this holiday season, and try something new and daring this year! I know I will give this a try and see what develops!